Under pressure

I just love Saturday...putting around the house in pjs, drinking 2 huge mugs of coffee, cutting stuff out of magazines and just a general feeling of - if I want to do something, I will, but if I want to do nothing, that's perfectly okay too. Being in school for what felt like forever, I didn't have that luxury. Sure, allot of Saturdays I did just what I'm doing today, but the whole time I had this cloud of guilt hanging over me. All day I'd think to myself, "You really should go to the printshop" over and over and over, which meant I couldn't truly enjoy any of the putting around that I did.

Now that I'm a 9-5er, I don't have that pressure from assignment deadlines and due dates. But if I'm really honest with myself, I still have pressure, just a different kind. A better kind, I think. Here it is:

No, that white square on the wall is not a spot I forgot to paint...its a canvas I bought and hung (to paint) almost 2 months ago. 2 MONTHS. And I haven't touched it. My excuse is that I haven't made a painting since the spring of 1998 - almost 9 years - and I'm scared it will turn out horrible. Printmaking is so different than painting...printmaking is all about layers and transparency and making all your marks on some kind of matrix and then applying it to your paper. And its also so much about process. There are so many steps to make a print...etching a plate in acid or grinding a 100 lb. stone or carving into a piece of wood. Allot of people shy away from printmaking because there's so much process involved, but I love it. There are so many things that can go wrong but end up making something beautiful - happy accidents, as Bob Ross would say. Painting is so direct. Just dip your brush into paint and go. For me, that's allot of pressure.

But last night I dreamed about painting that canvas. I dreamed that my dad and I took it to this cave on the side of the interstate and painted for hours. Even in my dream I was doubting myself...unable to start for so long because I didn't think I had "it" anymore. My dad gave me some sort of pep talk that I wish I could remember, but whatever he said made me just start and I remember being so happy that I did.

So now I'm posting a blog about it, hoping that if more people know about this blank canvas, I'll be more inclined to put something on it so as to have something to report when asked. Maybe that's not the "right" reason to paint, but whatever makes me do it, right?

1 comment:

Jeannette said...

What if you painted something real but kind of abstract.....something like Ruby's heart and the love she gives off in waves and vibes.

wow I sound like a stoner, but really I think it would be good to come up with a concept and then make it your own form.....